


Rules!! Aoba Johsai Volleyball Team

by volleyball_crow



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Crack, Gen, I blame it on the characters Aoba Johsai is mostly serious people, Matsukawa and Hanamaki just want free meals, bless Kindaichi's little hero-worshipping heart, everyone picks on poor Oikawa-san, mostly - Freeform, or maybe i'm just as unfunny as I thought who knows, questionable sense of humour, sometimes no humour at all, they're all so mean, well crack that is more or less reasonable and in line with canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-19
Updated: 2015-11-19
Packaged: 2018-05-02 10:16:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,115
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5244608
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/volleyball_crow/pseuds/volleyball_crow
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Through Kindaichi's contact with Karasuno, Oikawa heard of Nekoma's Big White Board of Rules (TM) and just couldn't resist.</p><p>[No Oikawa-sans were harmed in the creation of this crack fic.]</p>
            </blockquote>





	Rules!! Aoba Johsai Volleyball Team

Rejected titles, written above and crossed out: Resistance is Futile, Oikawa-san’s Rules, OIKAWA-SAN RULES, Seijoh Commandments, Aoba Johsai Laws, Shittykawa can’t come up with decent titles to save his life, Vice-captain please stop antagonizing him

-

## Rule #1: Oikawa-san is the master commander in this ship and you shall obey him in all matters.

**lol**  
l o l  
_**lol**_  
_lol_  
Mutiny! Mutiny, I say!

## Rule #2: First-years must rotate setting up duties, as well as cleaning up duties.

**Oikawa, if you’re going to do this, then at least do it decently**  
why must you suck the fun out of everything, Iwa-chan?  
_**interesting choice of words there Oikawa-kun!**_  
Matsukawa. Laps.  
_**Yes, sir. On it, sir.**_

##  _Rule #2.1. if Kunimi pretends to forget his turn again, he’ll get a life sentence_

_why is there a rule just for me, Hanamaki-san, that’s so unfair_  
_i n s t e a d   o f   a   r u l e,   w e   c o u l d   a s k   t h e    v i c e-c a p t a i n   t o   t h i n k    u p   s o m e   k i n d   o f    s p e c i a l   p u n i s h m e n t    f o r   y o u_  
_actually, you know what, Kindaichi, I’m fine with this_

## Rule #3: You bleed on it, you wash it

_**how do I get blood out of fabric, again?**_  
hydrogen peroxide, Mattsun. or you could just put that ugly yellow shirt in the trash where it belongs  
_**don’t even, Oikawa, I know the nasty stuff you have hidden in that wardrobe**_

## Rule #4: Mandatory yearly field trip to look at the stars for team bonding purposes!

_**Is this just an excuse to spend an entire night looking for UFOs and discussing the possibility of alien life?**_  
Y e s.  
**Y e s.**  
_Yeeep._  
**_What say you, Dr. Expert-in-Oikawa-Matters_**  
**I say he probably needs his Star Trek collection confiscated to calm down a little**  
YOU’RE NOT CUTE! YOU’RE NOT CUTE AT ALL! THIS IS WHY YOU CAN’T GET A GIRLFRIEND, IWA-CHAN!  
_lol no it’s not_

## Rule #5: If you bring a water bottle to practice, then take it home with you

**The club room is small enough, don’t waste space on stupid stuff, we already have Oikawa**  
_that hurt even me_  
UNCALLED FOR IWA-CHAN!

##  ~~Rule #6: Occasionally the vice-captain will fuck up and end up petting the captain’s hair in apology. Pretend you don’t see this.~~

_I’d like to know who had the balls to write this because he deserves a medal  
_ h a p p y   p e o p l e   s h o u l d   a l l   e x p l o d e

## Rule #6: For fuck’s sake, no fangirls. 

_s_ o _m_ eo _n_ e _e_ x _pl_ a _i_ n to _m_ e h _o_ w c _o_ me O _i_ k _a_ w _a_ -s _a_ n’s p _r_ e _s_ e _n_ ce ma _k_ e _s_ _u_ s _a_ ll i _n_ v _i_ s _i_ b _l_ e?  
**l o l   m i s d i r e c t i o n**

## Rule #7: ~~Iwa-chan needs some loving every now and then~~~ Oikawa needs a kick in the ass every now and then

_N o   t h a n k s,   I   e n j o y   l i v i n g_  
_I also happen to be quite attached to my life_  
r e l a x,   l i t t l e   f i r s t   y e a r s,   I w a i z u m i    m e a n t   t h i s   r u l e   j u s t   f o r   h i m s e l f,   h e’ d   k i l l   y o u   i f   y o u   t r i e d   i t  
_o h    g o d_  
_not to worry, Kindaichi, Oikawa-senpai would kill us himself first_  
_s o m e h o w    I’ m    n o t   c o m f o r t e d_  
Iwa-chan, how dare you talk about the great Oikawa-san like this!  
**that’s exactly why**  
why does no one respect me in this house.  
_**I guess we should show our respect for you more, shouldn’t we, Captain**_  
Mattsun~ you’re my favourite♥

## Rule #8: We must greet Oikawa’s greatness every morning with a salute and 2 yoga exercises done on the spot.

**Downward dog is preferred.**  
**I w a i z u m i - s a n,   n o o o o   X D D D**  
Mattsun, you’re no longer my favourite.  
_lol disowned_  
_**it was all worth it**_  
_HANAMAKI-SAN DID IT HANAMAKI-SAN DID IT OH MY GOD HAHAHAHAHA_  
**M A T S U K A W A - S A N  T O O!   O M G**  
_this is why everyone thinks the volleyball team is not normal_  
w _el_ l, t _h_ e _y_ ’re _n_ o _t_ w _r_ o _n_ g

## Rule #9: Funny guys who think they’re funnier than they actually are will run laps until they puke♥

_Sorry =(_   **_Sorry_**         _S O R R Y_       s o r r y ! !       **oops**  
_We’re really sorry, please don’t kill us_  
**_Whoever said Captain is not a hardass, my thousand bruises and missing tooth would like to have a word  
_** **he just wanted to see if your eyebrows get thinner when you’re tired**  
I _w_ a _i_ z _u_ m _i_ - _s_ a _n_. No _t_ _h_ e _l_ p _in_ g.  
_[you’re all so strange - Sawamura]_  
**Z I P    I T    K A R A S U N O !**

## Rule #10: If we’re playing poker, Oikawa-senpai is not allowed in the room

_just **-how-** does he know everyone’s tells?_  
it’s not that bad, is it?  
m a y b e    i f    y o u    c o u l d   r e s i s t   t h e    u r g e   t o   d o   a   l i v e  a u d i o   c o m m e n t a r y   a n d   d i d n ’t   o u t   e v e r y   s i n g l e   b l u f f   g o i n g  o n  
_**I’d also appreciate my eyebrows not being the topic of a 5-minute monologue for once**_ _ **  
**_

## Rule #11: Monopoly is BANNED.

L e t   i t    b e   n o t e d   h e r e    t h a t    I   o w n e d   a l l   y o u r   a s s e s.  
**Makki, dude, let it go**.

## Rule #12: No dog jokes, practical or otherwise. Kyotani is enough of a pain in the ass already.

_**personally I thought the leash was a very nice touch**_  
_because he didn’t get the joke?_  
**_because he didn’t get the joke._**  
y o u ’ r e   s o   l u c k y    h e   r e a d   t h e   w o r d   “R u l e s”   a n d   s t a r t e d   p r e t e n d i n g   t h i s   b o a r d   d o e s n’ t   e x i s t

## Rule #13: Liberos are precious creatures that must be protected at all costs.

I _n_ e _e_ d _t_ o k _n_ o _w_ w _h_ o w _r_ o _te_ t _h_ i _s_ , _s_ o I c _a_ n f _i_ g _u_ re o _u_ t _i_ f _I_ s _h_ ou _l_ d _b_ e _f_ e _e_ l _i_ n _g_ t _h_ e lo _v_ e o _r_ t _h_ e s _a_ r _c_ a _s_ m  
Watari, dear, it’s probably both  
**O i k a w a - s a n   o n   p o i n t   a s    a l w a y s**

## Rule #14: Iwa-chan is a beautiful cinnamon roll, too perfect for this world, too pure

_d i d   O i k a w a - s a n   s u r v i v e   w r i t i n g   t h i s ?_  
_**he’s been missing for three days** _  
_O H    M Y   G O D    W H A T_  
_Kindaichi you saw him less than an hour ago  
o h.   o h   y e a h._

## Rule #15: If you’re drunk, we don’t know you.

**_But I hear he still carried Captain’s ass home_**  
[but did he cop a feel, tho]  
**NEKOMA WHEN I FIND YOU I’M GONNA KILL YOU**  
[that was not a no]  
p _l_ e _a_ s _e_ do _n_ ’t k _i_ l _l_ a _n_ o _t_ her t _e_ a _m_ ’s c _a_ p _t_ a _i_ n, I _w_ a _i_ z _u_ m _i_ -s _a_ n

## Rule #16: If you don’t know me, I can do whatever I want

_a h.   t h e y ’r e   s t i l l    f i g h t i n g,   a r e n ’t    t h e y ?_  
**_how observant of you. Does nothing escape your all-seeing eye, Kindaichi?_ **

## Rule #17: Team dinners after every match. No exceptions. 

_good to hear they made up_

## Rule #18: The next person to start an underwear-stealing chain will be hung up from the school’s flag mast in their socks. And _only_ their socks.

_is this actually physically possible?_  
**wanna find out?**

## Rule #19: Iwaizumi-san is always serious, and must always be taken at his word, please don’t ever think he’s kidding because he’ll really do it oh god

a _n_ d t _h_ e _y_ sa _i_ d h _i_ g _h_ sc _h_ oo _l_ wo _u_ ld _n_ ’t b _e_ a t _r_ au _m_ a _t_ ic _e_ x _p_ e _r_ ie _n_ c _e_

## Rule #20: CLEAN UP AFTER YOURSELVES FOR FUCK’S SAKE THAT WAS DISGUSTING

_this day will go down in Aoba Johsai history as the smelliest there ever was_  
**i t    l o o k s    l i k e    a   d i r t y    l a u n d r y    b o m b   f r o m   h e l l   w e n t    o f f    i n    t h e r e.   w h a t    t h e   h e l l   h a p p e n e d**  
_I   n e e d    t o   kn o w:   w h o    d o   t h e   s p a r k l y    a l i e n   b o x e r s   b e l o n g   t o ?_  
**_lolololol Oikawa-san, Kindaichi found your underwear_**  
_w h a t ?_  
nooooo, Kin-chan, don’t believe his lies!  
**I know for a fact you have three more pairs in different colours**  
STOP MESSING IN MY UNDERWEAR DRAWER HAJIME  
**stop hiding the TV remote in there when you’re sulking**  
_C a p t a i n…_  
_ah, Captain just broke Kindaichi’s little hero-worshipping heart. he should buy him dinner as compensation. and me too. oh no. I feel so disillusioned. only free food can heal the wound in my soul._  
**_in fact, he should buy all of us dinner, after all this hard work, isn’t that right, Hanamaki-san?_**  
I   w o u l d n’ t    s a y   n o    t o    t h a t,    M a t s u k a w a - s a n.  
you’re all horrible, horrible people, I should just go to Shiratorizawa  
**you’d be back in three days** , **tops.**  
you’re so uncute, Iwa-chan. no wonder you can’t get a girlfriend.  
__**_lolololol that’s not why_**

## Rule #21: don’t underestimate other teams, no matter how weak they seem.

_d a m n.   d a m n    d a m n    d a m n   d a m n._  
_next time, man._  
we’ll only get better from here. stay focused.

## Rule #22: Karasuno and Shiratorizawa are going down first - and then we’re going for the Champions Cup. First place will be _ours_.

Scribbled several times all over the remaining space below rule #22 in different handwritings: **Yes, Captain.** **  
**

##  **RULE THE COURT**

(tiny drawing of an adorable, but somehow incredibly menacing chibi!Oikawa, with a cheerful smile full of teeth. The speech bubble next to him reads: “…. or else.”)

**Author's Note:**

> For reference: Oikawa **Iwa-chan** _Kunimi_ _**Matsukawa**_ _K i n d a i c h i_ H a n a m a k i **Y a h a b a** Wa _t_ a _r_ i 
> 
> As usual, I'm posting this here mostly for archiving purposes, since Tumblr isn't really a practical place to keep stuff. I think this is my least favourite of all Rules posts. Do I pick too much on Oikawa? I think I do. And it loses any funny it had very quickly. Argh.
> 
> If anyone has any suggestions to improve this I'd be glad to hear them. OTL
> 
> Relevant links: [Nekoma](http://archiveofourown.org/works/3563489), [Fukurodani](http://archiveofourown.org/works/3837172), [**](http://volleyball-crow.tumblr.com/)


End file.
